Learning to fill the void
In the past 7 months, there was something that became a very important part of my life. It gave me lots of beautiful moments, and these moments will stay with me always as wonderful memories. It represented a dream for the future, but also an intense experience for the present.
Since Sunday i have been adjusting to this part of my life no longer being there. It hurts, it seems somehow unreal. In the first few days, all i wanted was to be alone and think of how to get back what i had lost.
I haven't felt pain like this for many years, my defenses having been built very strong in the meantime, shields to protect my heart from the worst that could happen. During the past few months I took down the shields, wanting to fully embrace the emotions that came with this beautiful relationship.
I guess there are many paths i could have chosen to deal with the situation i am now facing. Bitterness. Anger. Denial. Regret.
I've chosen to acknowledge the void that exists in my life, in my daily routine, in my future aspirations. I've chosen to be honest about what existed before that void. It was intoxicating. It was worth every second invested. And i've chosen not to fall into that void, but to fill it. To re-connect with some other aspects of my life that i have perhaps put 2nd best in recent times - family, friends, reading, music, blogging.
It's not easy, learning to fill this void. Often i wake up in the morning and find myself standing right on the edge. Or staring into it, and yearning for what was there before to come back again. But i think it's becoming easier, each day. I've been lucky enough to have some very special people around me in difficult moments. To Lara, Hajo, Caro, Abhishek, Aine, Bee, Ivo, Rob, and especially Ivancho, thank you for being there when i needed you.
I'm also learning to appreciate again the wonderful experiences that are happening around me everyday. To participate, rather than spectate. Right now i am at a national conference of AIESEC in Germany. More than 300 people gathered in one place to learn, to share, to inspire and be inspired. These people are making me feel extremely welcome, and i feel that i am really connecting with them, both in group speeches and in individual talks. I'm realising that i can understand a lot of German, and take part in conversations that are not just about ordering food :)
As the bruises are fading, the smile is returning. It will take time. But who needs to rush...?
Since Sunday i have been adjusting to this part of my life no longer being there. It hurts, it seems somehow unreal. In the first few days, all i wanted was to be alone and think of how to get back what i had lost.
I haven't felt pain like this for many years, my defenses having been built very strong in the meantime, shields to protect my heart from the worst that could happen. During the past few months I took down the shields, wanting to fully embrace the emotions that came with this beautiful relationship.
I guess there are many paths i could have chosen to deal with the situation i am now facing. Bitterness. Anger. Denial. Regret.
I've chosen to acknowledge the void that exists in my life, in my daily routine, in my future aspirations. I've chosen to be honest about what existed before that void. It was intoxicating. It was worth every second invested. And i've chosen not to fall into that void, but to fill it. To re-connect with some other aspects of my life that i have perhaps put 2nd best in recent times - family, friends, reading, music, blogging.
It's not easy, learning to fill this void. Often i wake up in the morning and find myself standing right on the edge. Or staring into it, and yearning for what was there before to come back again. But i think it's becoming easier, each day. I've been lucky enough to have some very special people around me in difficult moments. To Lara, Hajo, Caro, Abhishek, Aine, Bee, Ivo, Rob, and especially Ivancho, thank you for being there when i needed you.
I'm also learning to appreciate again the wonderful experiences that are happening around me everyday. To participate, rather than spectate. Right now i am at a national conference of AIESEC in Germany. More than 300 people gathered in one place to learn, to share, to inspire and be inspired. These people are making me feel extremely welcome, and i feel that i am really connecting with them, both in group speeches and in individual talks. I'm realising that i can understand a lot of German, and take part in conversations that are not just about ordering food :)
As the bruises are fading, the smile is returning. It will take time. But who needs to rush...?
posted by Rob at
11:04 PM
2 Comments:
I'm so happy Rob I know is coming back. You can always rely on me in such situations.
XXX,
Ivo
I miss you and I hope you're loving every minute of AI I wish we had been on "side-by-side" teams so we could have had at least 2 months hanging out together.
I hope to be in some European countries next year so we will meet again soon
HUGS
Frances
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