p.s.

ok, so i'm up late again...

But i don't care right now! The Strategy Team output is finally released (6hrs of typing and 45mins wrestling with my laptop and the server to get it sent, only to have to try again 7 hrs later...) And my blog is once again updated.

Things seem so much easier after Midnight. Even @.net is working now...

Sweet dreams, Robbie, Sweet dreams x

This one's for you, Mum :)

OK, i know i will get certain reactions to this one, and they won't do wonders for my reputation...

But i don't care, quite frankly. Coz today is Mother's Day in the UK. And mine has flown 1100KM to be here. Ok, she is getting a free trip to Leukerbad, but she didn't know that when she booked the flights!

And it just reminded me - like so many times before - when you've had a day from hell, spending a few hours with your Mum makes everything seem alright again. And sleeping in the office, long hours of Sunday working, problems with IT, fights with boyfriends, upsetting your friends because all of the above make you half an hour late to meet them (sorry again, Caro...) all of this just doesn't matter anymore.

Isn't that amazing?

that this one woman, who has herself worked a full week, and looked after 2 men all week, and has recently had to cope with the death of 2 close family members, still takes the time to listen to your problems and make them disappear. Wonderful, truly wonderful.

I've tried several times to get her to start reading my blog. Well i really hope you are now, Mum. And if so, this one's for you :o) Thank you x

Ciao Gio - see you later ;)

May Ecuador and MC life be everything you have dreamed of, and more.
Looking forward to seeing the pics & hearing the adventures, whenever, wherever we meet again. For meet again we will, of that i have no doubt.

Thanks for the laughs, the listening, the whiskey & the friendship...

And please get a blog :)

Raindrops & shadows

As i head on into the night,
Raindrops brush gently against my face - my constant shower.
Yet i do not feel wet, only refreshed,
Like a flower embracing the first drizzle of Autumn rain.

As i approach the iron gates, a torchlight dances up ahead,
Inspecting a car waiting to pass.
As i draw near i feel the tension in the air, the suspicion,
The embarassment of someone who's only crime,
Is to wish to pass where others wish to cause great harm.

Through the gates i slip, wanting to leave the tension behind.
Ahead, a family is walking, laughing, talking.
Their laughter subsides as they near the Fortress,
It's snarling fences an intimidation to all who pass.
It seems strange, this defiance, so out of place here,
Where people see no sense in war or destruction.

I leave the fortress and it's metal world behind me,
The wooden bridge takes me over the rushing river.
The water is excited, whispering stories carried down from the Mountains.
As i enter the cover of the trees,
My face no longer feels the caress of the raindrops.

A bird cries somewhere, and i look up to the nests high above me.
I wonder how beautiful must be the view from up there,
For a second i envy those birds, with that view.
Then i imagine the coldness up there, and my envy is quelled.

As i pass each light along the way, i look anxiously for the next,
The next beacon of reassurance in this unnerving darkness.
The darkness taunts, it whispers, it surrounds, I feel afraid.
Yet this fear is exhilerating!
Is this not the reason i chose to take on the darkness once more,
Knowing as i did that the fear would be there?

Now i see it, the point where my fear will reach its crescendo.
I am passing the final lamppost,
It will be many minutes until i see the next.
Now there are no shadows,
Only the black, twisted shapes of the trees.

As my eyes become bored with this monotony,
My ears once again pick up the sounds of the river -
Is the whispering getting louder?
Perhaps it carries stories brought come from my love,
Who lies peacefully on the other side of the Mountains.
I smile to myself,
As i think of the dinner we ate together tonight,
And the thought of the lights & the music
Begs my legs to move faster.

Suddenly, triumphantly, i emerge from the darkness,
The light from the phonebox filling every sinew of my eyes,
Hypnotic in its relentless brightness.
Ahead of me i hear laughter from a house
Why are they laughing?
Do they not know the beauty of the raindrops and the shadows?

That matters not to me, for i have felt it,
And soon i will be home, in the light and the warmth.
I will sleep soundly,
As i think of the raindrops and the shadows.

Is there something i forgot?

I can't believe i posted nothing about IPM!
Well that's what happens if you are stupid enough to book out your agenda with meetings the instant you set foot back into the country. And still try to keep some semblance of a social life with a significant other.

So anyway, what an unforgettable conference. I use that word very deliberately. I don't think the emotions, ideas, friendships or atmosphere experienced will ever be thrown together again in my life?

How could one conference be so calm and yet so chaotic? So challenging and yet to unfulfilling? So exciting and yet so boring at times? How could i find so much time to lament the unclarity of my future, and yet find no time at all to write an sms to my boyfriend?

Strange things these conferences. And if i had a pound for every time i faced the question 'So, why are YOU not standing for AI?'... (the tone varied, sometimes accusing, sometimes confused, sometimes frustrated, sometimes barely interested at all, but the expectation for a well thought-out answer was always the same. Strange at the time i considered my answer to be more well-rehearsed than well thought-through. Still, seeing my previous post this evening there would appear to be some truth in it...

So we are back on the 'what to do next' trail. Maybe i shouldn't be in such a hurry to leave @. This huge, magical, seductive world where people believe anything is possible. And it usually is. Maybe there is still something there for me. Am i too old? I guess recent history suggests not? DO i still have the passion? UNdoubtedly yes? Do i still have the time to invest...?

Now there's an interesting question... I finished my studies 3 years ago. SO are all these 'memorable experiences' helping to make me an employer's dream, or simply unemployable? Do i actually want to be 'employed'? Can one dream of employing oneseof without academic or professional grounding in one area?

All very interesting questions to the neutral observer. But to the central character in this mystery, they are imposing gates that prevent any movement, except round in circles. They are frustrating reminders of the fact that he still does not know where he wants to be ultimately. And of course all this rattling at the gate only to beat a retreat is causing discomfort to more than just himself.

So who has the keys to the gate? No, who knows which gate to open?

You see, fun isn't it...?

On the limit

It's a cliche, i know, but we really don't appreciate our health enough until it lets us down. After all, rest & relaxation are for wimps, aren't they?

But who is this 'we'? Is this Rob speaking as an Englishmen, famed for pride & ego, and for working long hours at the expense of social development or family ties? Or as an @er, this crazy species that makes a living out of squeezing 3 years' work into 12 impossible months? And then sometimes does the same for a second consecutive year? That tells the world we are always 'available' - to listen, to consult, to console, to ass-kick, to think on behalf of so many ppl?

Or is this Rob speaking as Rob, the idiot, who has an acute fear of failure, of not meeting the impossible expecations of others, of not living up to some impossible vision that he had no right to aim for? Who, even on a 'sick-day', spends over 5 hrs reading and writing mails, and continues trying to think on behalf of so many?

If that's true, is it right to blame one's national culture, or one's organisational structure? Certainly not! And instead of always thinking on behalf of others, why not take some time to assess what you need and where you are going? Or are you afraid of the answers?

Perhaps staying at home again tomorrow is not such an absurd idea. If only that twin of mine was around again to take care of the INPUT agenda for the LCPs...